Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I guess this is what normal looks like

I've been terribly neglectful towards you lately. And I really have no excuse; I got pulled off of work a month ago for rising blood pressure (which, magically, lowered when I was no longer stressed out and running around on my feet 8-9 hours a day). I'm on "modified bed rest" which just means staying off my feet as much as possible. It is terrifically boring at times, although it's nice to just rest when I'm tired (which is most of the time).

Your brother is going to be here within the next two weeks; the doctor is going to schedule an induction at our next appointment (tomorrow!) unless I spontaneously go into labor tonight. I doubt that. He doesn't really seem inclined to leave, although I have definitely reached a point where I want him out.

I'm increasingly terrified of the birth. Your actual birth was overall surprisingly easy. You were already gone, so pain relief for me was unlimited. They put the epidural in before they even started the induction, since there wasn't any particular rush to get you out, and I didn't need to dilate fully anyway since you were so tiny. There was a several-hour period where the epidural came out and I felt every horrible contraction, but I didn't have fear of that before it happened. I didn't have any real fear of the birth, because I expected no pain. And because the concept of pushing your tiny 1lb 7oz self out wasn't particularly daunting.

Your brother is over 7.5lbs and still growing. And I've been having off and on contractions for two weeks--they aren't that painful and they aren't getting closer together or a whole lot stronger (dammit) but whether I am induced or just go on my own, I will be feeling the contractions for the first half of the labor...and there's distinctly more terror in how big he is.

I don't like to tell people I'm afraid because a lot of people actually will laugh when you tell them that. Or tell you horror stories. And the flipside--saying how tired and sore and miserable I am still being pregnant (particularly since the terror that, now that we're actually so close, that something will happen to him), they laugh and tell you how much easier it is being pregnant than having a new baby.

So I just don't talk about much of any of it except to the small handful of people I trust not to laugh. I just can't bear that good-natured teasing right now.

Even though I'm terrified (more each day) of the labor, I really just want it to start so we can get on with things.