Safe but Sleepless

Your brother is here, safe and whole and alive. He's so beautiful, I find I can spend hours just watching the tiny flickers of expression that cross his face while he sleeps. It's overwhelming. He was born on October 29th, all 8 lbs 9 oz of him. It was a very difficult labor and birth, but I've been recovering very well--we even left the hospital a day early (which, after a cesarean, is pretty impressive I guess? People sure are shocked anyway).

Having him here is hard but joyous; the lack of sleep sometimes gets to one or the other of us (mostly around the time we're trading off naps). The hardest part for me though is that I obsessively check his breathing while he sleeps. I think more than is normal for a fretful new parent; I find myself leaping up to check him every few minutes when he's sleeping. The only time I can let down and sleep is when Daddy is awake with him. As long as someone is standing guard I can relax.

I am hoping I can learn to trust that he will really stay now that he's here...he's been perfectly healthy so there's no reason to worry so very much. It's me, I know; I know what it was like losing you, and I can't imagine how I'd survive if something happened to him too. The panic level overall has gone down now that I can check his breathing, at least there's that.

And, contrary to what people told me--although the sleep deprivation is very hard, it is actually NOT harder having him on the outside than on the inside. I feel healthier now (even though I suspect I might be catching a cold) than I did through the entire pregnancy. I think that's why the recovery seems so easy; yes, there's pain around the incision and I'm sore and exhausted, but I can take painkillers for that. I'm not nauseous, my entire body doesn't ache, and I can stand and walk without awful pain in my hips and back. And I can buy moment after moment free of fear for him by watching that little chest rise and fall.