Black Friday

It looks like we've lost your brother or sister. I woke up this morning and my first thought was that I didn't feel sick today. The spotting had already started. I went to the doctor and they did an ultrasound, where they showed the new baby was measuring at 4 weeks instead of 5 and a half, which makes a big difference very early on. It's gotten worse and it's pretty clear this one isn't going to work out.

It makes me sad and angry. I feel humiliated that I told people about your new brother or sister--we should have waited, I guess. I was only telling people I wanted to be there to support me if something did go wrong, but instead I'm just ashamed and want to hide.

I feel guilty that I don't feel that sad. Disappointed, sure, but mostly I just feel like, well, that's a bummer, maybe next time. And I miss you all the more, because I shouldn't have to go through this. I should already have a living child.

I'm still so grateful for the life you did have. I love you so much.