Not Looking

The first big ultrasound is today.

I feel completely outside myself today. Work was normal--I was my bright, cheery self. Got everything done that I needed to, and now that I'm home I am getting housework done. (Not at the moment, obviously, but I'll be back to it soon). And I feel like I'm just standing next to this bustling, smiley person.

I feel nothing. Barely even a stab. I can't even really think about it--it's like I get distracted and wander off inside my head.

This first look...we have no idea what we're dealing with yet. None. Daddy and I can't talk about it much. We both have been busy around the house, getting things done (sort of), and there's this vague feeling like we are battening down for a storm. Same kind of cheerful-but-nervous kind of undercurrent like when you pick up bottled water and some extra canned foods when there's a windstorm. (This might not make sense to people who haven't lived on the Oregon Coast, but trust me.) Every now and then I'll say (and it's always me) "if things go bad on Monday, we'll need..." such and such. I think Daddy doesn't like being reminded that things might go bad. He frowns every time.

And on top of it he's been sick all this week--he's at the doctor now. Just a cold that isn't leaving, but he wanted to get checked out in case it's Strep or something. Because we need that to worry about too...

Only a few hours left.